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Emotions like anger, fear, rage, embarrassment, shame, guilt, or terror are a part of life. When we don’t learn to correctly complete the cycle of emotion that comes and passes as difficult situations come and go, they can lead to a dysregulated nervous system, and a wide range of coping mechanisms cultivated as survival mechanisms.

For example, two people may both experience their parents divorcing at a young age. The first child may be supported by their parents through the experience, by letting the child feel their emotions, by explaining that sometimes relationships don’t work out but that it doesn’t mean love is a bad or scary thing, and that both parents actively work to hold space for healthy dialogue and connection with one another and the child through the experience.

Another child may witness their parents divorce after years of arguing, be caught in the middle of bitter, resentful tension, and hear things like “wo/men can’t be trusted” or witness their parent’s bad mouth one another, break down, or rely on alcohol, drugs, or food to cope with the emotional turmoil.

Both children are likely to experience a hard time with the divorce because divorce is generally a painful experience for all involved in one way or another. The first child, however, is more likely to experience the pain as a relatively isolated instance and moving through the emotions in a supported environment. The second child is more likely to cultivate survival tactics to get through the experience since they did not receive the kind of support needed to feel safe, heard, seen, or loved adequately in such a situation. Such coping mechanisms could include ADD or ADHD, as a means to get distracted from the painful situation unfolding in front of them, it could involve addiction to any type of substance as a way to feel comfort, joy, and ease. It could also involve avoidant behaviours in romantic relationships in the future, as a way to protect their heart.

Although the painful divorce may have been 5, 10, 15, or 25 years prior, the now-adult may still be relying on these coping mechanisms if they have not taken the time to feel back the layers of emotional pain that needed to be felt back then. When our needs aren’t met, especially as children, we seek them from other sources. The behaviours we cultivate can often be despised as we grow older, but they served a purpose once upon a time, most often in giving the illusion of safety.

Our nervous systems play a big role in keeping us safe. Your nervous system is what alerts you that something dangerous may be near and releases an array of stress hormones to help you “fight or flee” from danger. This is a fantastic survival tool, but unfortunately, many people have dysregulation in their nervous systems due to trauma from the past.

When the body constantly experiences stress or is “stuck” in a sympathetic dominant mode, it is constantly releasing stress hormones that are detrimental to health and wellbeing. These include both physical and mental side effects like excess weight, poor sleep quality, anxiety, and depression. The side-effects of a dysregulated nervous system put a huge burden on life.

Another way trauma can show up in life is in your self-talk. That little voice inside your head, how does it speak to you? Is it kind or harsh? Many people find that they speak to themselves in a way that they would never use towards other people. Being particularly harsh about yourself is oftentimes cultivated as a response to trauma. When something bad happens to us that was never fully resolved, our psyche has two options: assume that the other person was wrong/ bad or that we are wrong/ bad.  As children, it is too overwhelming to assume that our carers may have been wrong; this would suggest that we are not safe in the world. As a result, we often internalise the bad things that happen to us, assuming that we deserve them or caused them.

Finally, trauma-based coping mechanisms can show up in various ways, including self-sabotage, perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive behaviours, and addiction. All these behaviours are survival mechanisms. Although we may not like these habits anymore, they bring to us a sense of safety, control, joy, relaxation, and inner peace. We cultivate “bad” behaviours to help us survive a traumatic experience.

Can this work help me with addiction?

Absolutely. In fact, this work is directly rooted in the kind of trauma-healing work that naturally resolves addiction without any willpower or forcefulness. Gabor Maté defines addiction as “any behaviour that a person finds relief and therefore craves in the short-term, but suffers negative consequences in the long-term.” Therefore addiction can be understood as a beautiful gift that we rely on as a coping mechanism to survive hardship.

When you are ready to let go of your addictions, when you can see that the short-term gain is not worth the long-term suffering, we can explore the underlying emotional needs that were not met and allow you to feel your way back to wholeness. When the underlying trauma is given an opportunity to be felt in a safely held space, you can move through it very rapidly. 

This process does not wipe the memory itself but removes the emotional charge associated with the event itself. If the traumatic event is the wound, the trauma-response addiction can be understood as the infection. Together we work to resolve the infection, so you can look back on your scar without any lingering pain.